Ghostbusters (2016)

Ghostbusters: Ain’t No Bitches Gonna Hunt No Ghosts

I’m going to get right to the point here. New Ghostbusters isn’t perfect, but it’s still more entertaining than half of the cinematic garbage that’s come out this summer. If you’re not sold on it, fine. This review isn’t for you. If, however, you are interested in seeing the reboot of the 1984 beloved comedy, let’s review! I’ll admit that the trailer for Ghostbusters didn’t do a great … Continue reading Ghostbusters: Ain’t No Bitches Gonna Hunt No Ghosts

Louis C.K. as Max in The Secret Life of Pets

The Secret Life of Pets Is Toy Story Without the Nuance

What do our pets do when we’re not at home? I don’t know about you, but this premise had me hooked the moment I saw the trailer for The Secret Life of Pets. As a pet owner, this is something I wonder about all the time. Are my dogs lonely? Are they trashing the place? Are they plotting my death? Are they inviting their dog friends over to play Xbox? It’s hilarious that there’s a movie that feels like I’m watching all of the weird pet fantasies I have in my head (Don’t act like you’ve never made up voices and personalities for your pets). Continue reading “The Secret Life of Pets Is Toy Story Without the Nuance”

Alexander Skarsgard as Tarzan in The Legend of Tarzan

The Legend of Tarzan: Hey, At Least It’s Pretty

Let me spare you the agony of reading this whole review if you’re not interested in The Legend of Tarzan beyond Alexander Skarsgård’s body (I’m not judging. He’s a gorgeous Swedish viking sex god). He doesn’t take his shirt off until midway through the second act. In a movie that’s only 109 minutes long, that’s waaaaay too long to get to the meat, if you will. And the sex scene where Margot Robbie supposedly punched him for animalistic passion? Nicholas Sparks level of vanilla. If you were hoping for dirty panting jungle sex between two really, really beautiful people, you won’t get it. Continue reading “The Legend of Tarzan: Hey, At Least It’s Pretty”

Blake Lively in The Shallows

The Shallows Is Enjoyably Ridiculous

A hot blonde vs. a shark. That’s The Shallows. I should hate this. So why don’t I? Because this summer has been a huge letdown. Every “blockbuster” has either been a sequel, underwhelming, straight-up mediocre, or all of the above. And that’s exactly why this average, unintentionally hilarious suspense/thriller is so entertaining! Continue reading “The Shallows Is Enjoyably Ridiculous”

Movie still of Finding Dory (2016)

Finding Dory: A Fun Sequel That Doesn’t Disappoint

Man, this is the summer of sequels, isn’t it? But they’re either sequels nobody wanted (Now You See Me 2) or sequels that came decades after their predecessors (Independence Day: Resurgence). Fortunately, Finding Dory falls into the latter category because practically everyone wanted to revisit the beloved Finding Nemo characters. Hell, Ellen DeGeneres even campaigned for a sequel until Disney was finally like OMG FINE ELLEN. Continue reading “Finding Dory: A Fun Sequel That Doesn’t Disappoint”

TMNT: Out of the Shadows movie still

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows Is Slightly Better Garbage

If you saw 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you’re probably wondering why there’s a sequel. Because it was bad. A CGI-monster, Michael Bay-produced pile of shit that somehow managed to become a Transformers movie and make creepy dude-bros out of once beloved heroes. But, as always, the answer to the “Why make a sequel?” question lies in that sweet, sweet blockbuster money. Continue reading “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows Is Slightly Better Garbage”

Mia Wasikowska in Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016)

Alice Through the Looking Glass Is a Waste of Time

Disney’s Alice in Wonderland, which came out back in 2010, was a bit of a gamble. It was the studio’s first live-action retelling of one of their classic animated films. It was mostly CGI, which is ungodly expensive. And it starred a relatively unknown actress at the time (Mia Wasikowska) in its titular role alongside a well-known character actor who was starting to face backlash for his oversaturation (Johnny Depp). But it was a HUGE success, crossing the $1 billion mark, which helped greenlight the live-action retellings we’re seeing now: Maleficent, CinderellaThe Jungle BookBeauty and the Beast. Continue reading “Alice Through the Looking Glass Is a Waste of Time”